The Nearest Way to a Man’s Heart

Tuesday 22-03-2011

Women are fed up with talk about the husband’s rights and would probably cry, “Are there no rights for the wives? Why do you always talk about the rights of the husband?...

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Women are fed up with talk about the husband’s rights and would probably cry, “Are there no rights for the wives? Why do you always talk about the rights of the husband? Where are the rights of the wife?” In light of the noble verse (what means): {The believing men and believing women are allies of one another} [Quran 9:71], allow me, dear sisters, to advise you.

I hope that women will not consider my words as a speech about the husband’s rights. Rather, they should consider it as advice from a Muslim brother to his sister. A brother who knows that his married sister frequently hears about the rights of her husband, her negligence and her duties, and who knows that she has great rights over her husband which, if she does not take in this worldly life, will take in the Hereafter where she will be in dire need of them. He also knows that she is helpless, targeted and oppressed and that she suffers from the enemies’ evil schemes to destroy her and from her husband who does not understand anything about marriage except his rights and her duties, or he does not want to understand anything other than this own side. This husband does not see her favor, let alone her rights. The wife might feel great love for her husband and be strongly attached to him, yet he divorces her while he knows how she feels. She might absolutely hate him and tell him that but he forces her to stay with him while he knows how she feels. The wife might be satisfied with what little the husband might give, but he does not give her anything at all. There are many kinds of husbands who cause men to praise Allaah The Almighty day and night that they were not the wives of any of them. May Allaah help such wives and render them patient, for their patience cannot be achieved except by the Help of Allaah.

Our talk here is about a very specific point that has a great effect on the continuation of the marriage relationship as well as the family and the success of the wife. We shall talk about the case when the wife wants her husband, or at least is satisfied with him in times of agreement. Otherwise, for every session there is a different discussion.

At the outset, we say that when the woman accepted the man who proposed to her to be her husband, she did not want him to be a temporary husband. She was not ready to lose him for any reason. She did not want to live with him only to test his endurance and patience, and then surprise him with something that he may or may not be able to endure. She did not want to compete with him in achieving dignity and proving who is the most honorable. She did not want him to fulfill her dreams as conveyed by the corrupters on earth who call him a “playboy.” She did not want to imprison him as they describe marriage to be a “golden cage.” She did not want the honeymoon to last for only one month and then suffer from bitterness after the honeymoon as the enemies claim. She did not want, by any means, anything that could lead them to separate. Rather, when she accepted him, she wanted him to preserve her as much as he can, and she was absolutely ready to preserve him as much as she can, regardless of what he does, except what cannot be endured, and she will be rewarded by Allaah The Almighty. Doing this is equal to all the acts of worship that men have been favored with, like pilgrimage, Jihaad, congregational prayer, attending funerals and so on.

On the basis of this will and approach, we talk to our married sister out of our sympathy with her if she is divorced and out of happiness for her if she returns to her husband. Sisters, let us come to a word that is equitable between us. As for those whose will was not like what we mentioned above when she accepted marriage, our speech is not directed to her, and {For each [religious following] is a direction toward which it faces.}[Quran 2:148].

As for the wife whose will is to preserve her husband and her home as much as she can, let her listen, obey and then enjoy the glad tidings of the worldly life and the Hereafter through listening to what the most knowledgeable and kindest man, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who knew best her interest, said. A man does not want his wife to be his friend and partner as the corrupters propagate. Rather, he wants her to be an obedient wife. The most successful woman to win the man’s heart and to live a long life with him is not the most beautiful one, as the non-married, lustful and inexperienced people think. She is not the richest one as the poor and greedy people think. Rather, she is the one who knows that wives with their husbands are exactly like the boon companions of the king. If the husband is not a king or like a king in his home and with his wife, what do you want him to be? Do you want him to be a servant, brother or a partner as they claim? If he is not a king or like a king in his home and with his wife, should he seek to be so with his bosses or friends? If the wife is not like the boon companion of the king with her husband, what should she be? Should she be with him like the queen, giving him from herself great things or should she be like the boon companion of the king with her sisters and friends?

The husband is the most entitled to her giving, the most beneficial to her, the closest one to her and the most entitled to have what he wants from her if she knows. Hence, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “If I were to order someone to prostrate to another, I would order the wife to prostrate to her husband for his great right over her.”The wife gives her husband her self, body and honor, with satisfaction and pleasure, and does not give any of these to anyone else. Therefore, how could she consider what is far less than this to be so much for him? Many beautiful wives lost their homes and husbands, while they love each other because they failed to be like the king’s boon companions, and did not make them feel so in a nice and obvious way without any indication of boredom.

On the other hand, many young women who were not so beautiful or who were even quite unattractive managed to implant in her husband’s heart their love until they became their dearest beloved, and their husbands could not dispense with them. This is what some people call “the beauty of the spirit” and the details of this are very long; however, the general and main idea lies in the aforementioned description: “boon companions of the king.” This is most needed when there are signs of disagreement between the spouses. Hence, the clever and truthful wife should avoid arousing her husband’s anger and disagreeing with him. She should know that many men become angry and appeased, and that her husband is not that smart, wise, forbearing man; thus, she should calmly win him over, regardless of what she gives, and she will be greatly rewarded, Allaah willing. Then, she would make him feel ashamed of himself as Asmaa’ bint Khaarijah, may Allaah have mercy upon her, said to her daughter, “Be a maid to him [meaning, her husband] and, he will be a slave to you.”She should not disturb him with her frequent mistakes because he is more important to her than anything that they disagree about, and disagreement plants hatred in the hearts.

By the permission of Allaah The Almighty, this is the nearest way to the heart of a man, not his stomach as they claim. However, women are overcome by their natures except those whom Allaah grants His Mercy. We supplicate Allaah to guide our sisters to preserve their husbands and homes, and grant them a good intention behind this, so that their actions would raise their degrees in Paradise. I hope that those who are bored with their husbands and about talking about their rights and the wives’ duties are not annoyed. Our purpose is to preserve the homes and families, and to lead them to the land of safety. Let the wives take the initiative, and they will reap the fruit in the worldly life and the Hereafter, Allaah willing.